Anyone who thinks being a C- list celebrity and being packed off to the Australian outback to have maggots shoved up your knickers is an unpleasant experience should try a day at the hands of Bromley NHS Trust!

I received a letter from the above NHS Trust telling me to attend for blood tests on May 14. The letter was headed Cromwell Avenue Bromley Bromley Hospital. So, along I go and, yes, dear readers, it's shut down and being demolished to make way for lovely Barratt Homes.

Instructions were I should report the following day to Princess Royal University Hospital (no address given). Now, readers, if you want a chance to take part in "I'm a patient, get me out of here" you have to answer the following question (calls charged at premium rates):

Where is Princess Royal University Hospital? a. Lewisham b. Greenwich c. Outer Mongolia or d. Locksbottom.

The answer is d. Locksbottom, though it's a secret, as all the signage on site still call it Farnborough Hospital. Sneaky!

So rubbing a couple of my last remaining grey cells together, I take the risk and head off to Locksbottom on Thursday morning.

I was sent up to a ward, changed into my hospital shroud and sat there and sat there and sat there.

Despite advising the nursing staff I had not seen anyone and despite their attempts to sort the matter out, I was on the ward for over six hours and not seen by a doctor in all that time.

In the end, I went home, having fasted since midnight the previous day, fed up with the whole situation.

So, it's all very well having a spanking new building but if nobody knows what's going on, the words "piss-ups" and "brewery" spring to mind.

Nigel Fawcett

Tarragon Grove

Newlands Park

Sydenham

June 2, 2003 12:00