'Splain plees Ricky !

Well let me offer some possible reasons all based on the total and increasing ineptitude of UK companies.

We'll start with Domestic and general, the main company in the extended guarantee market.

Last August my dvd recorder died - sort of. It was under extended warranty with D&G and they - or rather I - arranged for their engineer to call.

Of course I didn't expect it to be repaired on site. After all who does these days? So it went away. After a month it came back still faulty and went away again.

Eventually after many phone calls from me - and none to me by either the repair company nor D&G, I received a letter, just before christmas saying that the item would be replaced.

I went to see if their suggested item was ok and after battering my head against assorted 'experts' at comet decided that it would be.

I telephoned and accepted their offer and arranged to have an extended warranty on the new item which I was assured I would be able to collect the following day.

I wasn't because Comet had never heard of me.

D&G assured me that the order had been placed and that it would now be the next day.

It wasn't, nor the next.

So I called Comet again and, surprise surprise they still hadn't heard of me.

I called D&G again and was told that they'd re-order it and that I would hear on Monday.

Of course I didn't.

So I called today and spoke to a "Little Miss Don't-give-a-damn" at comet who now assured me that not only had they no record of me but suddenly had no record of my ever having bought anything from them.

So I call D&G again.

"Yes sir I will place the order now"

"HOLD UP SUNBEAM !" says I in words reminiscent of Death in a Terry Pratchet novel "YOU'VE ALREADY ORDERED IT TWICE. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME!"

"Yes sir but it can take 24 to 48 hours........"

"BUT IT'S ALREADY BEEN 168 HOURS! ......" cue long pause for tumbleweed to blow across the screen....followed by quiet little "oh!"

I proceeded to tell him that they had already taken my money and sent me the dated contract for an extended warranty for an item that as of yet I still didn't possess.

"oh!" quieter still than before follwed by "I'll get someone to call you this morning"

And somebody did call to tell me that it will be available for collection on thursday as long as I take one of their letters, a driving licence, a passport and my inside leg measurement - ok not exactly but......

Then there's SMILE bank - part of the Co-operative bank.

Over two weeks ago I cancelled an ISA as, to be blunt, I need the money in my pocket a damn sight more than they need it in their coffers.

"Oh yes Sir. No problem Sir. In an instant Sir - but may I ask why you're closing the account?"

No you may not just give me me moolah!

"OK sir. No problem Sir. Can I have you bank account details?" I give them the details they require and am asked yet again why I want to close the account.

Death Rises Again...

"NO! YOU MAY NOT ASK! "Are you dissatisfied with our service Sir?"

"NO! YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW! I WISH TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNT. END OF STORY. This conversation was actually longer than this but I was assured that the cash would be transferred in 3 to 5 working days.

The hands on the clock fly round and the sea laps back and forth on the shore. Today I check my bank account and I still have no money from them. And so, girt about as if for battle, I start on the long climb up the "Where's my money got to? " Hill.

This conversation went on and on - peppered yet again with "Why do you wish to close... blah blah blah?" questions, the answer to which was the same as before only this time it was being studiously ignored and I was flagging.

I had pointed out several times that the account was supposedly closed the better part of 3 weeks ago and why was she doing exactly the same as when I'd spoken to her colleague previously.

Eventually it became clear that the reason was that my account HAD NOT BEEN CLOSED despite my requests and demands that it was.

And - surprise surprise again - it would now take 3 to 5 working days for the money to be transferred.

Watch the news for the collapse of SMILE/Co-operative bank if the feelings in my water are anything to go by.

The, a light at the end of todays dismal tunnel when so stuff I ordered yesterday arrived this afternoon.

Hoorah - hail fellow well met.

Not so fast Sherlock......

The morons at CPC (part of the Farnell Group) have sent entirely the wrong items.

So more telephone conversation with yet another person who has trouble understanding that I ordered EBP-51N and that the item EBP25-N is not what I wanted.

Her less than helpful suggestion was that "Perhaps it's an equivalent Sir?"

Very politely I suggested that she didn't even go there nor pursue that line of thought since I had probably been an engineer for longer than she'd been alive and was more than capable of working out that the 3.6V 700ma cell packs they'd supplied were not the 9.6 1500ma packs I'd ordered merely by looking at them.

Oh and apparently it was partially my fault for ordering them in the first place from the bargains part of the company's website since the goods were "Often incorrectly binned". So how is that my fault? No, I don't want to know....

So now we go through the convoluted process of getting a returns number and, of course, I now need to peck the items up and make time to take them to the post office for return.

And it's now 3pm !

And the day has nearly ended and I have achieved nothing at all. (Other than a shelf falling on my head but that's something different entirely) The cost of all this to-ing and fro-ing with these companies to meet a simple and satisfactory conclusion is downright ridiculous.

And so, people wonder why we're going down the poop-chute at a rate of knots when quite simply it's because no bu**er gives a damn these days.

And is there a hope of it getting better? Look out - here comes more tumble weed....