The Ivy Leaf didn't match up to the survey results

A LETTER landed on my desk last week from the management company of TheIvy Leaf in Darenth Road, Dartford.

The letter claims the pub scored 100 per cent in a "rigorous 85point quality audit," beating a staggering 1,400 other boozers acrossthe UK.

Intrigued, I decided to investigate immediately. The letter would haveyou believe this is a `perfect' pub, but I'm certain therecan be no such thing. (Until they invent one which is open 24hours....with free beer).

The Ivy Leaf is close to Dartford town centre, but far enough off thebeaten track not to be categorised as a town centre pub.

Unsure what to expect I visited early on a bitterly cold evening with afew pals for a couple of warming pints.

Seconds after walking in, I knew this was a `regulars' pub. Thebarman was very alert and attentive and was waiting to serve us as we wentto the bar. He wasn't exactly chatty, but service was quick andprofessional and you can't argue with that.

Sitting down, I immediately noticed the furniture in the saloon bar wasstrangely low to the ground. The tables only came up to my knees!

Once I'd got used to the Japanese-style furniture, I scanned around.Lovely open fires blazed away to warm the place and the generally homelydecor was quite acceptable.

In a way, I began to feel quite settled and relaxed as I supped my pint.But then it started. The regulars didn't know us. And they wanted usto know they didn't know us. I was bombarded with countless glancesfrom people sat around the bar.

One older chap fixed his stare at me for around 30 seconds. I'd liketo think I'm not paranoid, but I was quite unnerved by the wholeepisode. Whenever a song faded out on the CD player, me and my palsrealised our conversation was THE conversation until another song came on.It just goes to show that no matter how nice and polite a landlord or howwarm and inviting a pub can seem, it is the clientele which really makesthe atmosphere.

I needed a smoke, after the stare out incident so I scuttled over to thecigarette machine but to my horror, it was out of order. After a quickvisit to the off licence (where the service was excellent), I went backand we had another drink. The lager was reasonable, if a little warm.Pricewise, The Ivy Leaf was okay.

The toilets left a little to be desired however. I'm not looking forred carpets or luxury bog roll, but a bit of heating might be nice. Notheating a toilet defeats the whole object of the indoor toilet revolution.

It just goes to show you shouldn't believe everything you read about`mystery customer surveys'.They can't tell the full storybehind a boozer like Pub Spy can.

I came to the conclusion this pub is fantastic if you're a regular.But if you're not, be prepared to be stared at.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000.Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.