MIRROR, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? The answer, of course, should read Snow White, but judging by the performances in Fairfield Halls’ panto the answer is probably a range of sustainable Norwegien pinewood cabinets.

Granted, panto is never a high brow theatrical experience.

But when the cast seem to have been hand picked from the discount pile in Ikea’s MDF furniture department it’s hard not to wish you hadn’t brought a small box of matches and surreptitiously lit one under the actors’ miserable feet.

News Shopper: Letitia Dean will play the Wicked Queen in Snow White at Croydon's Fairfield Halls.

Former B*Witched group member Keavy Lynch plays the eponymous heroine in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at the Croydon venue along with former EastEnders star Letitia Dean as The Wicked Queen.

Dean was superb as the busty villain and is a surprisingly competent singer. It’s just a shame she wasn’t utilised more in this woeful production which felt as sad and unsatisfying as the Chancellor’s pre-budget report.

Lynch, with a bizarre and unconvincing American accent, looks lost on stage and is as two-dimensional as the Disney cartoon the panto tirelessly tries to replicate.

News Shopper: Keavy Lynch as Snow White and Stephen Dean as Prince Danilo of Darah

She also seemed to suffer from an uncontrollable compulsion to twirl and swish her hands every time she delivered her lines - presumably for dramatic effect and to disguise her inability to act - which only made her performance even more painful to watch and unintentionally funny.

And unless you were the two drunk fish wives in front of me or under five, most of the jokes were unintentional, usually when someone forgot their lines, props malfunctioned or if it was so bad the only thing left to do was to cough up an embarassed snigger.

Usually reliably hilarious and a fountain of adult friendly innuendo and double entendre, the panto dame in Snow White was more like a bad cabaret act at your aunt Ethel’s 80th birthday party.

Which is unsurprising considering Adam Daye’s credits include touring England’s coastal resorts in the summer and playing in Shearings Coaching Hotels.

News Shopper: Adam Daye, Richard Cadell and Sooty

His gags were either excruciating or bordering on the distasteful.

What’s the difference between a teenager and a pensioner? Nothing, they’re both on drugs...Oh dear.

The mute puppet stars of the show, Sooty and Sweep, had better one-liners.

Not even downing a stiff drink at the theatre bar could numb the pain of watching two hours of this amateurish and drab pantomime.

News Shopper: Snow White (Keavy Lynch) and the Seven Dwarfs

Its only saving grace is Sooty’s human side-kick Richard Cadell as Muddles who keeps the children giggling with slaptick and toilet humour.

A good panto has equal appeal for both adults and children, but even with a microscope I couldn’t find the grown-up fun in this show.

Go if you’re not adverse to a little light torture.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon. December 4 to January 3. 020 8688 9291.