Well, what can Your Lord say? On my unexpectedly early return to Piggott Place I was not for the first time dismayed to discover that my butler, Sidney Grimes, had gone on the rampage in my absence.

Not only was he guilty of raiding my brandy cupboard but had also rifled through my wardrobe and paraded himself in Bexley Village sporting my deerstalker, antique walking cane and favourite brown brogues.

He seems to have been encouraged in this disrespectful display of rebelliousness by certain regular contributors to Your Lord’s blog but as I am a gentleman I will refrain from naming names.

His wife, Gertrude Grimes, is still missing after refusing to take the medication that keeps her on the straight and narrow. I have received reports that she has caused several scenes in the Bexleyheath area. As I sit writing this blog I expect a telephone call at any time from the police to inform me as to which station she is being held at.

According to the gardener, Squintwhistle, other crimes committed by my scoundrel of a butler include chasing Kylie the parlour maid through the halls of Piggott Place, hoisting a pair of his filthy old underpants up the flagpole in the forecourt and urinating in the duck pond resulting in the death of several valuable koi carp.

He has also been found guilty of having pizza delivered to the door, playing my Englebert Humperdinck records loudly through an open window and using my leather armchair to park his lazy bottom while he swigged my best Napoleon brandy.

Reports are only just coming in that he also stuck posters on the windows of Primark which said ‘PIGOTT SHOPS ERE’; a heinous crime!

As for a fitting punishment, I considered giving him the choice of resignation or the implement but as one of my followers begged me to be lenient I have decided to put him in the stocks for a day as an example to Bexley Village residents. I am also reducing his wages by half.

He is of course expected to pay for the liquor he consumed in my absence.

It is obvious that Grimes can never again be trusted to stay at Piggott Place in my absence, so in future I will have no other choice but to put him and his wife in kennels for the duration of future business trips.

I will keep you informed of any further reports of misdemeanours committed by the grizzled toper as soon as I receive them.

Grimes is not off the hook yet and the implement might still see the light of day.

Erastus