HAVE YOUR SAY: Entertainment Rant - shut up in the cinema

AS I rapidly approach the big three-zero, I find myself engaging in a new morning ritual. Like a gorilla picking at lice I part my thick locks in search of the early signs of baldness, praying my father's hairy genetic make-up also nourishes my follicles.

But any missing clumps of hair are more likely a result of pulling at my bushy mop in frustration than the onset of old age.

My rage stems not from the scandalous conduct of MPs or the melting polar ice caps, but from the behaviour of movie-goers whose belligerent disregard for the unspoken rules of cinema etiquette has driven me to self-mutilation.

As far as I understand it, common courtesy dictates you finish your conversation as the opening credits roll.

Yet as I settle into my seat ready to watch a couple of hours of celluloid magic, I am forced to listen to some irritating scrotes behind me discussing their girlfriend's frigidity or whether they prefer potato smiley faces for dinner over chunky oven chips.

Turning around to berate the noise offenders, I feel like a cross between my mother and Joan of Arc – a lone martyr in a sea of politely grumbling English hypocrites, who despite sharing my irritation wince when I slip off my socks and shove them down the chatterboxes' chirping throats.

And of course you then risk becoming a sitting duck for the socially retarded jackasses who then attempt to embed popcorn in the back of your head while mocking you for having the audacity to even breathe the same air as them.

Of almost equal annoyance is the mobile phone, which today's modern man or woman seems to have surgically fitted to their sweaty palms.

Unable to part with it for even a paltry two hours, members of the audience can be seen and heard incessantly tapping out text messages or taking urgent calls, presumably from the Queen or President Obama because, frankly, why else would you need to answer your phone during a film?

The invention of the DVD should have eliminated this problem, but far from it.

Like a virulent strain of flu, it's a habit which seems to be spreading across cinemas, infecting the otherwise polite and vocally controlled film fans.

Perhaps it's a symptom of our so-called broken Britain or could it be an influence from across the pond?

That American exuberance for clapping at the end credits is equally irksome and is also beginning to catch on here in Blighty. Who exactly are you applauding, dammit? I'm sure the projectionist is flushed with pride.

With more and more people choosing to yak instead of watch, perhaps the problem isn't these protagonists after all, but me. Maybe it's time I shut up and put up?

But like nails on a blackboard, the sound of idle chit-chat in an auditorium is not something I am willing to tolerate. And I endeavour to continue my campaign to end the plague of film natterers, no matter how strong the backlash.

Nobody is going to put Matthew in the corner.

This column in no way reflects the official position of News Shopper or its parent company.

What do you think? Are you also annoyed by other people's noise when you go to the cinema? Should noise offenders be thrown out the cinema for being a nuisance? What other annoying habits get on your nerves when you're out of an evening? Add your comments below.

Check News Shopper's website every lunchtime for a new daily opinion column. Wednesday is a reader's rant, Thursday will cover a moral issue. Friday is sport, and Monday is back to the Shopper Rant on a topical news story. Be sure to have your say if you agree or disagree with what you read.