HAVE YOUR SAY: Entertainment Rant - cinema stinkers in 3D

12:30pm Tuesday 16th March 2010

By Matthew Jenkin

Welcome to the first of News Shopper's Tuesday entertainment opinion columns. Read our rant and join the debate by adding your comments.

AS TIM Burton’s Alice In Wonderland boots James Cameron’s monster epic Avatar off the top of the UK film chart, it seems if you want to hear box office tills ring you’d better pimp your movie with the latest 3D effects.

As 3D fever grips the world, there’s no stopping studios investing in the eye-popping technology.

So far audiences have lapped it up – queuing fervently outside cinemas, clutching a pair of over-priced, ill-fitting glasses, hungry to gorge on a banquet of the latest visual delicacies.

While Alice and Avatar were great films in their own right, with or without the cool-to-be-nerdy specs, making characters and events seemingly jump out of the screen surely isn’t a guarantee of cinematic thrills and spills.

After the first half-hour of oohs and ahs, the vomit-inducing effects fade into the psychedelic background and what you are left with is, more often than not, a film which has about as much meat on its bones as a skeleton with an eating disorder.

What it boils down to is a gimmick. An expensive one at that. But it is a gimmick which is enabling studios and film distributors to disguise their over-sized, stinking turkeys as well-fed, gourmet pheasants.

Just tag 3D onto the film’s title and no-one will notice the giant turd steaming at the centre of an expensive and glossy ad campaign.

So brace yourself this year for a rash of 3D movies and events which will leave your jaw rattling on the floor, not from wonderment, but from sheer disbelief anyone thought it worthwhile to spend time, effort and money to make even in two dimensions.

A new 3D Alvin and the Chipmunks film is just one well-polished stool sample to look forward to.

Rumours also suggest George Lucas may re-release all, yes all, his Star Wars films in 3D.

And elated by the success of Avatar, James Cameron has announced he may raise the Titanic (the film that is) from its soggy, forgotten depths and jazz it up using the new technology.

Oh and just in case you hadn't coughed up enough well-earned cash the first time, Cameron is planning another round of Avatar in the autumn. It's the stuff nightmares are made of.

This year also saw, for the first time, rugby broadcast in 3D, with whole pubs crammed full of bespectacled punters gawking at screens like hypnotised hamsters, mesmerised by a giant sesame seed.

It's only a matter of time before other TV programmes join the 3D revolution. How about soaking up some sun in 3D Neighbours? Or soak up the gore in Casualty?

Or if you're the only person in the world who still cares, why not pop on those glasses and experience what it's really like to live in the Big Brother house?

With reality only just about bearable in three dimensions, watching every piece of visual media in that format is a stomach churning thought.

This column in no way reflects the official position of News Shopper or its parent company.

What do you think? Is 3D the future of cinema or is it just a flash in the pan? What else would you like to see made in 3D? Add your comments below.

Check News Shopper's website every lunchtime for a new daily opinion column. Wednesday is a reader's rant, Thursday will cover a moral issue. Friday is sport, and Monday is back to the Shopper Rant on a topical news story. Be sure to have your say if you agree or disagree with what you read.