Castle Nimrod aka Naqoyqatsi Towers is undergoing a full and much deserved face lift prior to the arrival of the future Mrs Naqoyqatsi and her taking up permanent residence.

To this end part of the refurbishment included the purchase of two radiator cabinets from the aforementioned company via B & Q on line.

These things aren't cheap (the better part of £100 each) even though they're made of MDF. However the speed of processing my order was hopefully impressive - a phone call giving my delivery date in less than 2 hours from my placing the order. Now I expected something half reasonable for my money - I was sorely wrong.

The things turned up on Thursday, delivered, somewhat grudgingly up my steps to my door by a delivery driver who, from the sound of his lungs was a 100 plus a day smoker.

I checked them both (the cabinets that is not the delivery driver's lungs) and found that they were damaged. (Hmmm a lot like his lungs too I guess) This was not surprising considering the feeble attempts which Winther Browne had made at protecting the goods in transit. The last time I saw expanded polystyrene this fragile it was blowing around inside a tacky Christmas decoration as fake snow.

Also I now discovered that these things are actually intended to be free standing - yep - a radiator guard weighing 22 Kilos that is free standing. However if you want to attempt to fit them to the wall Winther Browne kindly provide you with 3, apparently "tooled from offcuts" of MDF which are supposed to enable you to attach the thing to the wall by basically hanging it onto them via 3 grooves in the top shelf.

I should also point out that the whole thing is assembled with offcuts of plywood stapled into place, and poorly done so at that.

As the damage was actually on the internal faces and one patterned grille I decided not to complain since I needed them installed soonest and knew that my chances of getting them collected, damage assessed, agreement that I hadn't damaged them and subsequent return prior to hell freezing over was probably slightly less than zero.

Now these things are self assembled by what the company refer to as "Easy Fit Pins" but what I will now forever consider as complete and utter cr*p !

The side panels and top shelf are drilled and fitted with some sort of tongued metal insert whilst the front panel is fitted with pins clearly intended to mate with these inserts.

Great intention - shame about the reality.

The instructions tell you to line the pins with the holes and, with your hand or a rubber mallet strike the side panel to drive the pin securely home.

They do inform you that if this doesn't work then you should unscrew the pin by a turn and try again.

So I lined it all up, gave it a thump and.... it didn't work. So I tried it again, still with my hand and it still didn't work. After 5 attempts it plainly wasn't going to do the business so, as suggested I unscrewed the pin a tad and tried again.

As I mentioned these are made of MDF and as anyone who has used this stuff will know, screws and MDF don't really mix too well.

I aligned the parts, pin to hole; gave it a slap and..... the pin drove itself back into the front panel as opposed to fitting into the side panel.

And what's more it did this on every pin on both fascias and all sides.

So on their sheet of (misspelled) instructions there was a telephone helpline to which I now turned. I got to speak to a woman who went into " 'pon my soul!" billy bullsh*t mode straight off.

She wasn't vaguely interested in the point of the items being damaged. She was only slightly more interested in my assertion that the aforementioned EasyFit fixing were, in fact complete and utter dross.

When I explained my problem there was a few huff and puffs and a "Well we don't normally have any problem with them sir. Have you tried unscrewing the pin?"

I told her that I had and explained the screwed pin plus MDF plus healthy slap equalling disappearing pin scenario. More astonished huffing and puffing followed by the assertion that "I don't understand why that happens Sir, they're very reliable. We rarely ever have any problems with them but....."

..... STANDBY FOR BULLSH*T ALERT NOW .....

"I can send you a set of brackets and screws that we have available for customers if this should happen."

HOLD UP ! ! ! !

So this problem is something you don't normally experience however you just happen to have a set of parts to send out on the vaguest of off chances that it just might!

I looked in the mirror - I was neither green nor cabbage looking and I pointed this out to the lady on the phone. She could not see my problem. So I explained that if they never normally have a problem with this fixing system why do they have a set of parts instantly available to deal with something that doesn't happen?

"Because it's a customer service Sir" came the reply without the lady missing a beat.

So I imparted my name and address since she had no interest in my previous order number or details and I am now awaiting the bracket's arrival. If they're anything other than more MDF off cuts I shall be surprised.

I suspect that I shall be equally unimpressed and will end up utilising fixing methods of my own - most likes 10mm by 10mm wood batten and copious amounts of Gripfil.

What amazes me most is that this company has apparently been in business since 1893 making dowel pins. Shame they don't try supplying them and a tube of glue instead of Easy Fix pins!

So if you want and easy answer to you radiator hiding problems I'd suggest that these cabinets aren't it!