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Ghouls take over Southfleet farm for Halloween
SAT on hay bales on the back of a farm vehicle, a hooded skeleton takes us to the woods where it is 1665 and a village is in the throes of the black death.
Stepping off among skulls, screams and firelight, the Irish girl from advertising says: "This reminds me of Ireland."
"Do you get a lot of plague in Ireland?" I ask.
"No, we did have the potato famine which knocked out half of us though," she quipped.
I make a note to never lock wits with the Irish - especially really old ones.
Inside the village, the suffering is not restrained. Men and women with boils, buboes and welts screech and warn us away.
Dead bodies are strewn, some hanging from gallows. A witch is barely contained in a cage.
A terrifying, decomposing bald man on a platform tells us he is the most powerful man in the world and lets off a pyrotechnic display.
To say we felt in peril is to understate.
Regular visitors to Broadditch Farm Shop in Southfleet will be able to attest that you don't always feel so intimidated when you come to pick up your local veg.
But that's because there's been a takeover.
For the Halloween season, Broadditch has become Broadwitch and is again hosting its own Hauntfest.
It is bigger and better than ever with five fully interactive scenes set with scores of gruesome actors.
All that is enough to send you quivering to the Manor Farm Barn pub (and you could do worse).
It is not compulsory to go with a five-strong group of girls from the advertising department that you've never met before, but I would recommend it.
There is nothing quite like seeing a woman you met an hour ago so scared that she falls over, twice.
So vivid and terrifying are the worlds created at Broadditch, it would be entirely wrong to write in any detail about them - to do so would spoil the magic.
Just know that the attention to detail and the scale of it is more Hollywood than north Kent.
Each scene - or ride, or whatever - is ingeniously prepared with a top theme.
Having a zombie Oompa Loompa pursuing you and screaming your name is a flustering experience.
Inside each haunt, the sights, sounds and smells are all intensified for a real fright. Even the surface underfoot and the textures of the walls are in keeping, such is the thoroughness.
And round every corner - or perhaps even coming through a wall when you least expect it - is a real-life spooky person.
The fun doesn't stop in between either, with roaming actors ready to scare, unnerve or sometimes just abuse you. It is all very witty, very professional, very clever and most of all, very memorable.
The Broadwitch Hauntfest is at Broadditch Farm in New Barn Road, Southfleet until November 2. Tickets cost between £10 and £27.50, or a Fastpass for all the haunts is £40. Under 16s must be accompanied. Go to spookycastle.co.uk
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