Could News Shopper's editor organise a p***-up in a brewery?

So, to start, I APOLOGISE - to anyone and everyone.

I think my biggest mistake was taking the title of my challenge too literally – as I write this I have possibly the worst hangover I have ever had.

So, how did I end up in such a state?

Honestly, I don’t even remember how the challenge started, all I know is that I was given a matter of days to see if I was man enough to organise the easiest of things to organise.

What could possibly go wrong?

Day one, zero hour – the challenge was set. Could shambolic News Shopper editor, Andy Parkes, organise a ‘Piss-up in a Brewery'?

Five minutes later the name of a small brewery in deepest Swanscombe was suggested and from this point on it was a spiral of decline to my current low point.

Within an hour the lovely people at The George & Dragon had agreed to open their pub, their brewery and their hearts and souls to my challenge.

At this point, mistakenly and much to my later cost, I thought to myself: “This is too easy, it’s a piece of p***”.

Having had such a successful start I then got busy at work and mistakenly let a whole day slip past without doing anything whatsoever about organising my event.

Thus I found myself with two days to do everything. Still, how hard could it be?

So, here’s where the apologies start.

Firstly, to the quite outstanding performers who all agreed to take part at absolutely no cost.

I apologise, unreservedly, for:

a) Failing completely to realise just how amazing you all were

b) letting you all down so badly for not providing even the most basic equipment you requested

c) not thanking you enough on the night

d) being the worst MC/compere ever and lastly, but certainly not least

e) my ‘performance’ with Rogue 5 (a recording of which sadly exists somewhere on the internet).

Jason Simmons got things off to a great start with his personal blend of song and stand up.

Battling against the terribly inadequate equipment I’d arranged I thought his guitar playing and singing were both excellent.

Wrapping his gags into this mix of music and banter really works, so if you’re looking to book a tuneful stand-up look no further.

Next it was the turn of Rogue 5, this not-so-aptly-named group of four lads are very keen to point out they are not your usual boy band.

Not only did I fail to supply them with a mic each, I also gave them possibly the worst CD player in existence for their backing tracks.

Despite this they went on to produce a hilarious short set which went down a storm with the whole audience.

Personally speaking I could have done without my involvement in the finale to their act, but I’m reliably informed this was also equally entertaining and amusing for anyone not actively involved.

See Rogue 5 performing (not with me) here

Our very own sports editor Lee Green (alias Paul Green) then took to the stage I’d arranged, or, more accurately, a space in front of the bar.

As he had promised, the content of his set was right on the edge of socially-acceptable and he somehow steered just clear of being arrested.

He certainly left the crowd laughing right through to the last word. 

Lee Green (left) pleased fans of all sizes

To conclude the entertainment, and having finally managed to battle his way through the traffic on the Dartford Crossing, we were joined by Magical Bones.

This absolute genius of a fellow then moved through the bar astonishing people with some incredible close-up magic.

As part of his stage act Magical, as I now know him, somehow combines escapology with break dancing.

You really should take a look at the clip online It will amaze you.

Sadly our new magical friend was carrying a groin injury meaning his full stage show was impossibility – actually, thinking about it, there was nowhere near the space required in the crowded bar either.

Apart from the quite stunning entertainment, the next true highlight of the evening had to be the food.

Our hostess Bron is not only a fantastic lady, but she also knows how to put on a spread.

Scotch eggs, sausage rolls and a whole host of other fantastic goodies were delivered in abundance.

But the real plus point was the fact it was all really good, home-cooked food. None of that plastic supermarket stuff, this was tasty and satisfying.

Considering quite appalling communication from me, the food put on by Bronwyn, at almost no notice at all, was brilliant.

So much so that in the mark sheet I gave everyone after the event, the food actually came out ahead of everything else with an average of 9.5 out of ten – praise indeed from a team of gannet-like journalists.

Having mentioned the food, I should probably now put on a brave face and at least try to discuss the drink!

The beer selection at the George and Dragon is a result of the pub’s love of good beer in all its various forms, from traditional lambic brews to the latest super hopped IPA.

They have three lagers on tap, their own "George and Dragon Tipple" brewed for in Belgium, Asahi brewed under license in Kent and Kent's own Chapel Down Curious Brew lager - brewed with the addition of champagne yeast to provide a distinctive, refreshing beer full of subtle flavours.

They serve a constantly changing selection of cask beers from some of the UK's most exciting breweries.

Check the pub’s Twitter page @dragonandgeorge for updates on current selection.

The fridges boast a selection of bottles from all over the world, including American craft breweries, Belgian Trappist beers and some of the finest UK Microbreweries.

You will never meet a friendlier pair of cavemen than the two who run the brewery deep in the darkest recesses of the George & Dragon.

They were really happy to show anyone round their brewery and share their love of making beer. 

Just about all my guests on the night were treated to a tour and all came back singing the praises of our hosts Nick and James.

I won’t pretend I understood the whole process, but they certainly know their stuff.

You can sense their love for what they do and I heartily recommend anyone who gets the chance to visit this quite fascinating place.

Their website reads:

In 2012, whilst rebuilding the near derelict George and Dragon pub in Swanscombe, workers stumbled on a tribe of Cavemen in a walled up section of the cellar.

Descendents of the Swanscombe Man, this Caveman tribe has been living in the cellar of the pub and the adjacent abandoned cellars of Galley Hill for millennia.

These Cavemen (and Cavewomen) have sampled beer brewed throughout the ages, including a lot of the contents of the George and Dragon cellar, and have decided to use their expertise to form their own brewery.

I couldn’t possibly give you all the details of their beer, but anyone interested should take a look here.

With the pub housing the award-winning Caveman Brewery I hatched a plan to trick a number of my guests into wearing caveman or cavewoman outfits.

This backfired to an alarming extent.

As I’ve already said arriving early meant my drinking started far too early so I thought a short respite, and a cool shower, was a good idea on a warm day.

Needing a fresh T shirt I persuaded the friendly barman to let me have one of the pub’s fetching black Caveman shirts in XL.

However, rather than placing said shirt on the bed as arranged I exited the very plush en-suite shower to find my other clothes gone and just the furry caveman outfit you can see in the pictures.

I can assure you one thing I didn’t need on a hot evening was a fluffy hot dress, I think it’s safe to say by the end of the evening my guests felt much the same about the plastic club, complete with squeaker noise!

Lastly, but by no means least, I want to pass on a massive thank you to Carlton Cars, without whom it would not have been possible to get my guests to the event.

It was obviously a strictly no driving evening and their driver, who agreed to do a run to and from the venue could not have been more pleasant and helpful.

If you are planning a night out and are looking for a 100 per cent reliable firm at incredibly competitive prices I really can’t recommend them enough.

On the return journey the driver was even prepared to go out of his way to drop off my guests – what a star.

For anyone interested, my guests scored my efforts as follows:

Pre-event communication – 3/10

Transportation – 8/10

Entertainment – 7/10

Drink – 8.5/10

Food – 9.5/10

Value for money – 9/10

Venue – 9/10

Overall experience – 8/10

I reckon this is a pretty fair endorsement that I was indeed capable of organising a ‘Piss-up in a Brewery’.