Any pub which chooses to put the following quote on the wall probably deserves to be swerved:

“If an injury has to be done to a man, it should be so severe his vengeances need not be feared.”

Sadly, I had to enter the Holly Tree to spot it.

The quote is from Italian renaissance philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, but its high brow source surely shouldn’t detract from the fact it seems to be saying: “If you’re going to fight, make sure you kick his head right in.”

Accompanying it were further ‘witty’ quotes from great minds like George Best.

Though I won’t be returning to The Holly Tree with any haste, it must be said I didn’t feel in danger.

There was a posse of unthreatening regulars and a friendly barmaid, who looked more than capable of keeping order.

One of the most pleasing things about the pub was actually seeing the regulars – it’s clearly got a dedicated gang so must be doing something right.

Didn’t do much for me, though.

As entrances to pubs go, stooping below the underinflated crossbar of a novelty set of Six Nations goalposts is one of the more unique.

It’s fair to say The Holly Tree didn’t hold back on the Guinness-themed rugby tat. In fact, one of the overriding (and I mean overriding) odours in the place was the nostril-clinging smell of plastic inflatables.

Another was a Christmassy scented candle, which was presumably there to cover the third, and least pleasant: an eggy kind of flatulent smell which wafted up as I lowered myself onto the tired green sofa.

Not very often do I visit a pub and feel compelled to write about the smell. I guess The Holly Tree is not ordinary.

As an additional assault to the senses, rotten country music blared from the jukebox as a grey chap at the end of the bar tapped along to the rhythm and a staffie circled my feet.

Judging from the green decor, shamrocks in the window and Munster rugby flag on the ceiling, this is an Irish bar. Perhaps we should be grateful they didn’t cram more novelty gubbins in.

On one side was a pool table (good) and a giant screen (great for sport) and central was a smaller screen with the horse racing on. The latter is never a good sign.

The bar served a disappointingly mainstream-only range of gassy lagers and Guinness. And the Kronenbourg I was served was watery on the palette before revealing a foul aftertaste. Surprising for what should be such a standard pint.

A final point: I’m not sure I understand why there was a door marked ‘private’ (with a big ‘zero tolerance on drugs’ poster on it) because it was almost as well used as the front door by seemingly random punters.

It felt like I may have been the only one who didn’t see what was on the other side, the dog included.

The Holly Tree, 32 Dermody Road, Hither Green

How it rated:

Decor * Gaudy rugby tat, questionable quotes, cracked mirror

Atmosphere * Loud country and western, smelly and stale regulars

Staff *** Pleasant

Price *** Didn’t break the bank

Drink * Totally uninspired