ON paper, the Portobello ticks all the boxes. It has darts, a pool table, a jukebox, one-armed bandits and a large garden with swings, a climbing frame and a Wendy house.

The thing is, it is just so bloody depressing.

Desperately in need of a full makeover, it teams garish red carpets and bar with rough-textured white walls and half a dozen tired, scratched tables.

The bar gives the impression of being poorly stocked even though it isn't, and even the bald-headed punters’ conversation was a hangover from the 90s.

“Yeah, he’s good though, in’t he that Jim Carrey,” I heard one slaphead say.

You just wait until until some of his new stuff comes out on VHS, mate.

In one of them, he plays a pet detective.

Now I love meat but it often fills me with trepidation when a pub feels the need to go big on a meat raffle – posters were everywhere – and the Portobello was no different.

Sipping on a gassy San Miguel, I felt miserable in this pub.

The jukebox - playing even older material - was too loud, although it did a good job of masking the fact the pub had absolutely no atmosphere.

The barmaid was nice, normal and obliging, but the glass was dirty, which was a shame.

Unfortunately, the garden is ruined a bit because it is next to a busy road, but effort has been made to make it child-friendly and hospitable.

It felt like the kind of place in a crap 1970s movie that the protagonist seeks solace in during a crisis. It also felt like it ought to be smokey.

With toilets just as dated and depressing as the bar, I wouldn’t even fancy pulling off the main road and popping into the Portobello for a leak on a long drive.

Portobello Inn, London Road, West Kingsdown

How it rated:

Decor* Massive overhaul needed

Drink * Dirty glass, gassy beer, standard range

Price ** £5.60 for a San Miguel and a J20

Atmosphere * Very little

Staff **** Very nice and helpful