Get involved: Send pictures, video, news and views - text NEWS SHOPPER to 80360 or email us
Review: The Slug and Lettuce
Having had my fill of Wetherspoon pubs recently, I fancied taking my girlfriend to a more sophisticated joint for a glass of vino.
We headed for The Slug and Lettuce in Bromley.
Before you burst out laughing at me, I’d never stepped foot inside this godforsaken boozer before.
My only experience of the supposedly classy chain was up in Leicester, where the city boasts quite a swanky branch.
Sadly for us, however, the overwhelming stench of urine, one scantily clad barmaid and an overly amorous waiter are all that awaits customers at our Slug.
I was surprised to see Bromley’s answer to Jessica Simpson’s raunchy character Daisy Duke behind the bar when we ordered a glass of Rosé and a Diet Coke (just over £5 altogether).
But the friendly blonde, in shredded denim short shorts and chequered shirt, faced fierce competition for people’s attention from several other tasteless attractions.
Sitting down at one of the high tables in the small-ish pub, my single friend moaned at the lack of talent around us.
“See how hard it is to be single?” She said.
“Look around you – there’s just nothing, but I guess it is only 8pm on Tuesday night.”
I tried to play devil’s advocate, but as my eyes drifted to one middle-aged spectacled man, downing a pint and reading the paper on his own, I had to admit it was slim pickings that night.
I was forced to break away from the bleak conversation and visit the lavatories.
Oh my God, I almost puked everywhere.
The rancid stink of wee hit me like a putrid slap around the chops when I opened the door leading to the facilities.
The entrance to the men’s was wide open, and though this clearly didn’t help matters, the women’s loos were just as revolting.
Holding my breath for as long as possible, I miraculously managed to get back to my friend without passing out or turning green.
Giving her fair warning, I wished her luck as she left to tackle the toilets nightmares are made of.
“I walked straight into the men’s and saw a man peeing.” She told me.
“He didn’t mind though.”
I’m sure he didn’t, my gal pal is rather stunning.
Watching couples getting close around the pub, I wasn’t expecting to see the barman leaning across the counter to get his piece of action.
But alas, there he was – snogging his girlfriend from across his station and consoling her about something or other.
It just looked a bit wrong.
And when my tipsy friend was forced to interrupt the lovers and ask for a glass of water, the happy chap’s missus was most definitely not impressed – I could tell by the daggers she was staring into her beautiful back.
The atmosphere is generally rather soulless in this downmarket bar.
But at least you can take advantage of the two-for-one cocktail offer from Thursday to Saturday.
Any time after 4pm, it is cheaper to get squiffy and enjoy Sex on the Beach.
I would recommend drinking enough to numb your nose before taking on the toilets.
Address: 3/5 High Street, Bromley, BR1 1LF
Decor: *** (a little run-down with fake flowers everywhere)
Drink: *** (good range of cocktails and wine)
Price: *** (average)
Atmosphere: ** (lifeless and inappropriate)
Staff: *** (distracted but friendly)