A real life Scrooge is inviting comedy fans to join him for a devilish night of Christmas bashing, magic and the chance to buy his old socks.

Arthur Smith, who believes the festive season is a “pain in the arse”, will be hosting the perfect antidote to Christmas at Greenwich’s famous Up the Creek.

Set to take place on December 23, the event will also feature stand-up comedy from David Trent, Ed Gamble and many more special guests to be announced.

Arthur told Vibe: “It will be a spectacular.

“There will be all sorts of marvellous things.

“I’ll be slagging off Christmas – it will be sensational.

“Before that I will be doing the Greenwich Panto Horse Race.

“I shall be declaring myself the Mayor of Greenwich.”

Arthur, loved for his appearances on TV’s Grumpy Old Men, QI and Have I Got News For You, was a student at The John Roan School.

He added: “I lived in Greenwich for about 10 or 15 years.

“I’ve always had associations with the place.

“I am Mr Greenwich.”

Along with some of his new magic tricks, poetry and stand-up routine, Arthur promises an auction to remember.

He said: “I will be handing out Christmas presents and selling old clothes of mine.

“I’ve got too many socks – they won’t be pairs obviously.

“But people can buy my individual socks and old t-shirts.

“Some of them have holes in them, designer holes.

“They may look like old fag burns but they’re meant to be there.

“If you shake them, memories fall out.”

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Perhaps some of the memories will be of Arthur's old flames.

“I’m an international woman kind of guy.” he said.

“I would say my favourite was a woman I once met who was a cross of Ethiopian and Finnish – goodness me she was beautiful.”

The witty gent will be encouraging guests to sing along to hymns, but with the original words replaced to create much ruder versions.

“People should come because they have no other meaning in their lives." The 58-year-old added.

“They will definitely end up with a bit of tinsel and they will be distracted from the misery that is Christmas.

“I hate it because there’s this false image transmitted of happy families sitting around together which is the precise opposite of Christmas.

“You have the license to feel miserable at Christmas.

“I like to go to this bar on the outskirts of Berlin in Germany called Bar Humbug and drink.”

Although he didn’t give many jokes away, Arthur did let Vibe readers in on one of his gems.

“A man went to the doctor with a bit of lettuce sticking out of his bottom.” He said.

“And that was just the tip of the iceberg.”

Arthur Smith’s Christmas Comedy Spectacular kicks off at 7.30pm with free mince pies and mulled wine for all.

For bookings visit sundayspecial.co.uk or call 0208 8584581.