SIMS 4 review: What would Sylvester Stallone do?

How would he get on with a 9 to 5? Would he make friends easily? What about romance? And, could he survive on one meal of macaroni cheese a day? Here’s how I got on.

Creating Sly

First off, I had to go about creating Mr Stallone and, in theory at least, I should have been able to make a decent fist of it.

The new Sims has vast options for creating your little fella, from their voice and walk and interests down to their cheekbones and eyebrows.

It was tough to choose between the swagger or the tough guy walk, but I opted for the latter. He’s Rambo, for chrissakes.

I also made him creative – he has written and directed many of his films – and self-assured, because he would be, wouldn’t he?

As for looks, I struggled. There were so many options but I must confess it defeated me. You know what kind of face Sly has and with the benefit of hindsight I now know I was totally trying to overreach myself – no computer could try to replicate a human like that.

What I ended up with was a fairly handsome Asian guy, with HUGE muscles.

Sly’s diary – A Week in the Life

DAY ONE:

I don’t know why I’d start with sit-ups, but I hit the wrong button so that’s what I did. And it seemed a fairly Stallone thing to do. I imagine he does sit ups off the side of cliffs, but I had to do it in the porch of my crappy one-bed flat.

It’s incredibly funny when Sly says ‘Oh’. He’s almost spot on. I wonder if he can shout ‘Adrrriiaaaaaan!’. Probably not.

After more sit-ups and press ups, Sly wanders into his ‘hood and accosts strangers with jokes about ducks.

After chatting to a few folk, Bella catches his eye. Mid conversation, apropos of nothing, she starts doing press ups. Is she trying to impress him? She’s the kind of girl for Sly, I decide. I give up talking to anyone else.

DAY TWO:

Sly gets a job in a theatre. He goes to work, comes home and eats (eggs). To be honest, it’s similar to my own day.

DAY THREE:

Sly gets his first gig. It goes badly but at least it wasn’t a porno (I think).

He also develops hygiene issues and is uncomfortably dirty. When he gets home, he has a shower. He takes nearly an hour – he must’ve been really dirty. I hope he hasn’t alienated himself too much at work.

Sly then decides he’s tense, so I let him watch telly. Then he calls Bella.

DAY FOUR:

He’s up at 6.45am but after he’s been to the loo and had breakfast (eggs), he’s nearly late for work, the slow coach.

When he gets home, he builds a study and buys a computer. I’m jealous. I’ve been planning to paint my spare room for more than a month but still only have half the wallpaper off.

Sly makes a start on his screenplay then gives up and watches TV.

Bella turns up! But Sly’s sleepy and she doesn’t want to leave.

Someone can't take the pace

Sly goes to bed, exhausted, at 2am. Bella’s just stood in the lobby.

DAY FIVE:

Get up and straight to work. He gets home but doesn’t have time for dinner, toilet or a shower because BELLA’S THERE, again. God, she’s keen. Sly lays on the old Rocky charms, but then decides he’s sleepy again so leaves Bella stranded for the second night running.

For no apparent reason, Sly wakes up at 3am and has a shower before going back to bed. Freak.

DAY SIX:

Sly eats (eggs) and cleans the flat before going to work and schmoozing celebs, which increases his charisma. Bella’s going to get a shot of that tonight.

After a run, some TV and a nap, he heads out to the Rattlesnake Bar at 11pm. Because it’s Friday. Oh, and Bella’s there too. It’s not a date but clearly she was waiting around for the call.

For some reason, despite my best attempts, Sly won’t chat to Bella. Argh! And why did she wear her sports bra to a bar on a Friday night?

Eventually, Sly chats and flirts and has a picture with Bella. It’s going well until Sly collapses into sleep in the middle of the bar. Not sexy. Off home for Sly. This never happened in Demolition Man.

DAY SEVEN:

Lazy Stallone sleeps til midday. Bella pops round while he’s on the loo.

He gets dressed and they eat one of the three meals he can cook – macaroni cheese. Combined with two egg dishes, it’s quite the protein heavy diet for Sly. Gotta look after the muscles.

Bella and Sly are now ‘good friends’ and I pray Sly’s not in the friend zone.

Bella’s feeling romantic. Hello! Time to turn on the old Sly charm.

Oh god, why did Sly just decide to shower? Sly, concentrate! This is worse than the first time you fought Clubber Lang.

Why does she keep going on his computer? I hope she doesn’t look at his history.

Sly keeps the charm coming but when he attempts a joke, she leaves. That figures, I’ve seen Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.

Time for some TV and a steamy shower.

Evening time, Sly’s off out again with Bella and, good news, she’s wearing her sexy red dress.

They chat, she hugs him. Yep, she hugs him! Turn the flirt up to 11. It’s going well before some old woman insists on being the gooseberry.  It gets tense, Bella wanders off. It’s late and Sly shamelessly heads to another bar for a consolation pull, but it’s closed. Terrible night.

DAY EIGHT:

Wake up late, again. Eat eggs. Bella shows up again but Sly ignores her til he’s finished eating because he’s a playa.

They sit on the sofa, he reveals his deep secrets and it all goes well until he attempts a risqué joke and it gets awkward. Flipping heck, Sly, don’t try to be funny.

Again Bella’s on his computer. Why?

He takes her to another bar and, outside, kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Great reaction.

Check your breath, Sly, it could be time.

Sly goes in for the kiss, gets slapped.

I’m embarrassed for him so I take him away and he stumbles into...Adrienne. It must be fate. Adriiieeeennnne!

Just like Rocky did against Apollo Creed or Rambo did in the jungle, Sly throws caution to the wind and goes all-out romance.

But she didn’t want to get off with him either.

Sly’s hygiene is poor and both woman have gone.

He goes to bed, trying to remember: “Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward.” 

Sims 4 is out now – and between now and the end of the year there are plans for more FREE content, including pools, ghosts (in time for Halloween), and Star Wars costumes. I always wondered if Sly could’ve made a good Darth Vader.