Matthew Jenkin takes a look at how TV channels are celebrating the royal wedding.
I LOVE a good wedding — the booze, the dancing, the depressing realisation you are still single and will probably die a lonely death in your one bedroom apartment, your body only discovered after a neighbour reported a suspicious smell.
Unless your family has a tradition of marrying first cousins or your name is Elton John you probably haven’t received an invitation to Wills and Kate’s big day.
Annoyingly, the happy couple have been rubbing our unwashed faces in the fact for months now and anyone who gives a monkeys will be either forced to cram the dirty streets of London and watch our future king and queen mince past in a shiny horse and carriage or view the pomp and ceremony on BBC1 from 8am to 1.40pm.
At over five hours long, only the staunchest royalist or coach potato will be able to stomach the endless sweeping shots of Buckingham Palace, repetitive commentary on what route the procession will be taking to Westminster Abbey and vacuous expert opinions on Kate’s much talked about and highly anticipated wedding dress.
To avoid fatal boredom and sofa sores, watch the highlights which, for at least 24 hours, will roll on every news channel like a terrifying Babybel launched from the peak of Mount Everest.
To gain a factually inaccurate and so-bad-it-might-just-be-good insight into the the pair’s coupling, there’s another chance to watch the cheesy made for TV movie William and Kate on Channel 5, at 3.15pm.
The royal family might put on a fancy spread, but there’s nothing like an OTT traveller wedding to make the monarchy’s celebrations look restrained and understated.
My Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding sees the return of Channel 4’s hit runaway series on Thursday at 9pm for a one-off special, repeated again on Friday at 10.25pm.
It’s scheduling opportunism at its most blatant and just one of a plethora of popular shows which the broadcaster has inserted the word royal into to entice viewers watching coverage of Wills and Kate’s big do on other channels to switch over.
Nevertheless, it’s a welcome excuse to visit another caravan and enjoy a new helping of gigantic dresses, nightmarishly huge cakes and a sickening riot of pink.
Come Dine With Me Royal Wedding Special at 8pm should also be fun.
However, if by now the words royal and wedding are like kryptonite to your ears, switch over to BBC1 at 10.30pm for a slice of sharp wit and some general silliness in The Graham Norton Show.
The cheeky Irish comic will be chatting to comedian Jack Whitehall and current British pop sensation Adele will be playing a tune or two.
Recorded before any of the royal hoo-ha kicks off, it will be blissfully tiara free.
Although Norton’s pithy comments on the day would be worth hearing for a chuckle.
You can follow Matthew Jenkin's pointless ramblings on Twitter @matthewjenkin
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